11/29/2009 - Aye, yih, yih!

Well, I’ve managed to forget just about everything I said just a month ago. My intentions are great, my follow-threw blows! Ding Dag Nab It!

What would it take to be mindful of God, appreciate my good qualities, forgive my bad ones, and make peace in my heart? What would it take to clean off my table and pull out my sewing machine? What would it take to grab my guitar and sit down to a daily session? What would it take?

A rubber band around my wrist, maybe? A daily affirmation from some new age internet site? Something I would see every day and be mindful of – I need some lipstick so I can write on my mirror!

I’m not as bad as I think, and not as good as I act, ya know? -ag

10/22/2009 Oh, I Get It!

So I don’t understand why I don’t feel connected to anything, and I this whole year has been a struggle with addictions, and I’ve gained weight and haven’t really conquered the cigarette addiction yet, and I’ve found myself spending too much time thinking about relationships that will never happen…and it’s been like the first 40 some-odd years of my life, only times 10!

So why am I so disconnected? I know what I want to do, and I wasn’t doing it, and I wasn’t all that concerned about doing it, and I’ve gotten so fat I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror! So, I’m thinking, “what has gone wrong?”

And then I get it. My relationship with God has been neglected. I started praying (actually about something entirely different) and ended up realizing that this is the one area that I really haven’t made any strides to get back. And this is the one place where I need to get back.

I don’t adhere to traditional Christian organized religions – I find them too restrictive, dogmatic, and neglectful themselves to the underlying message of Christ, which is Love. I heard all the “burn in hell, sinners” in my younger years, and I’m all done with that. But I have spent a good deal of my adult years studying religion and coming to peace with it through a metaphysical / new age point of view. I believe in reincarnation, I believe that all souls must eventually come home to God (Love), and I believe that the teachers that were sent here on earth should be known by their works. I hold Christ in great esteem because he was showing us who we could all become, if we have faith and hold God close to ourselves. He carried the Christ Consciousness that is available to all, and taught us that we too are the children of God, and “these things you can do also”.

And somewhere along the line, I neglected to let God help, and be a part of my recovery. The addictions are self hatred expressed – no doubt in my mind. The hatred of self sets up barriers to God and to the Christ Consciousness, and it escalates from there, to be expressed by more addictive behavior. I have failed to allow love into my heart…love of self (addictive behaviors), love of others (I am guilty of ridicule, which is completely disrespectful), and love of life (I wish that things were different! Woe is me…).

I don’t believe 100% of the bible – I believe that a lot of people, having access to that power, would further their own agendas through the biblical translations, no doubt. So I adhere to the teachings that feel true to me. Christ states that he is the child of man, and that we are all the children of God, and only through God is anything that he does possible. So today, and hopefully everyday hereafter, I will be mindful…God is here, with me, always. I can always have God with me at all times. I need to foster love of mankind, love of self, and love of life, so I can receive the grace of God, and feel the glory of God. I need to nurture this everyday so I can get closer to the person that I need to be to fulfill my destiny. And so I can teach my daughter these things. Because she needs to know that God is always with her also.

-ag

9/24/2009 Weary am I

Fighting and not fighting the smoking issue has been interesting. I smoke, than I don’t smoke for 3 or 5 days, then I smoke for 1 or 2; this is really weird and very different from the last times I quit. I don’t get it, except for I did express a wish that I could be one of those people that smoke sometimes, but not all the time…you know, the friend that smokes when you go out to drink, but doesn’t smoke the day after, etc. Always this fascinated me, because I’ve always said I was “all or nothing”, but this time I am proven wrong. Kind of weird, I don’t know where this will lead.

But with my voice getting back into shape, you would think I would be grabbing the guitar and going to town…writing down my existing songs, and making up some new ones. But, no, I haven’t allowed for that kind of activity. What I have been doing (being the Scorpio that I am) is obsessing about men that I know, craving you-know-what. I have been desperately trying to trade an addiction for another one, and not in a healthy way. Problem: thoughts are things. These men are too close for comfort; I see them way too often.

Solution: The only men I am going to fantasize about from now on are public figures who are far removed from me and get hundreds of fantasies on the God/Source World-Wide-Web everyday, and can not distinguish me from the hundreds of other adoring fans. I simply can not endanger my mental health, and I certainly can not intrude on others psychic web sites any longer. Not good for anyone.

I’m going to re-read ‘Manifest your Destiny’ by Dr. Wayne Dyer, and get back to what is important. It’s important to substitute a good addiction for a bad one; it’s good to pursue your path of destiny. I know I need to get back to music, I know that it makes me feel good, and I have always known that this is the one thing that I do that is good for me in every way. I need to do this for my self, my child who looks up to me to teach her, and my community that needs to know the depths to which we can feel and emote; to share the passion in art.

I’m going to do all the things I need to do, and clean out the cellar completely. The pipes are clogged again, and need to be opened. Anyone have a snake?

8/25/09 The Plot Thickens!

Oh, my, I just didn’t realize how deep this all went. So, as I said before, I am still on the road to quit smoking (I’ve had a couple of drags this week) but it has really dredged up a lot of issues that I sure didn’t want to deal with! So, I realized that I wanted a relationship to fill the gaping hole in my life, and I started to think ‘thoughts’ about a married man that I know.

Thoughts are things, and nothing has brought this home to me like the experiences that I have had within the last year. This year I have finally been able to connect the dots between my thoughts, and the reactions that I have had from other people. The reactions that I have noted have been obvious and immediate, and there has been no mistake that there is a correlation. This brings us back to our own connectiveness within the collective, and how we may feel isolated from others, but we are in no way alone.

Now, let me tell you of my most recent observation. I’ve really fallen in love with three men in my life, and this week I looked at the similarities for the first time.
1) They all three were married. Not a shock to me, I already knew that I had an issue there, probably of the “I only want what I can not have” variety.
2) They all take care of their wives financially. This I hadn’t realized in the past, but there is an issue within me there, as well. In other lives past, I’m pretty sure that I was ‘taken care of’ by other people, and I also know that this life I was supposed to practice taking care of myself. Apparently there is a belief in me that the ‘gaping hole’ will be filled if I don’t have to go to work everyday, don’t have to work for a living. This is erroneous, I know on a conscious level, but how do I convince my subconscious…?
3) They all made me laugh. None of them look the same, or have the same sense of humor, but all of them make me laugh a lot. And I love them for it. That will remain as a requirement for anyone wanting to have a relationship with me.

In one of those relationships, I didn’t go there. I’d like to think that was because I was best friend’s with the wife, but truly, I had no self esteem, and couldn’t imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me. In the second relationship, I did go there, and I told myself at first that I wouldn’t “care” about him, I would just sleep with him, get what I want, and have a very cavalier, “adult” attitude about it. I couldn’t have been more wrong! It took me no time at all to start resenting the time he wasn’t with me, and harboring hopes that the relationship he was already committed to would fall apart. When that didn’t happen (hello!), I was depressed and inconsolable, and miserable to be around (just ask my friends). This was the progression of my disease.

So, back on track. I’m thinking thoughts that I should not be thinking, and I’m harboring hopes that I should not be hoping, and as I’m talking to him, I realize that he is making constant references about his wife. Fine with me, but it seemed a bit much, and not connected to the conversation. And that’s when I realize.

He is a very stable, steady kind of guy, and he has already made up his mind not to go there with me. He may have harbored a thought or two 6 months ago, maybe a year ago, but he definitely is not there now. I think that he thought about who he is and where he is, and saw that it would not be to his (or anyone else’s) benefit to go there, and so he will not. And I could feel the shift, I think, and almost tell you when this happened. Because thoughts are things, and on some level, I felt this shift in him as much as he could feel my thoughts.

And he has been very kind to me, and will continue to do so, because he really does care about me. And I’ll go on loving him for now, since he has saved me from an old abyss. But the hardest thing is for me to look at myself and my own behavior though this whole thing.

I thought that I would just ‘take what I could get’ with him, but just like the second guy, that wouldn’t have worked in the long run. And I really can’t lie to myself about that any longer, it’s a repeat issue. Sooner or later I would resent his attention being elsewhere, and I would become miserable and start to pine away for him, because in my heart I would want him to fill that gaping hole in me (impossible, you know) and show me he loved me by taking care of me (here we go again).

And I was willing to become an interloper in a relationship that I had no right whatsoever to interfere in. These men are committed to women that they have built an entire world with, woman who have stuck with them through thick and thin, and for all their flaws, love these men. Take the truth in that, and mix it with the idea that these women have never fended for themselves completely out there in the real world, and would be lost without their significant other. The men that I love are all very loyal and committed, not the fly-by-night kind of guys. Of course, they would not leave their original love. And, of course, a wiser “me” would never ask them to.

So, as usual, the worse thing is seeing the truth in my behavior and owning my own mistakes. Sucks, but that’s where I am. After grieving (and I still am, a little), I felt better, and I sort of renewed my own commitment to myself. These men can not fill the gaping hole in me, only God/Source can. The only way I can really connect to God/Source easily is to play my music, write my songs, and bleed my heart (i.e. create). So, I’m off to write, sing, dance, and create. No more stupid, destructive distractions, I hope. No more pining for married men, I hope. I want to be a better person, really, and not set myself up for disaster just because that’s what I know, and it’s familiar. I think I want to be more ‘real’ and myself than that.

Wish me luck – I have a very hard head, and have a tendency to hang on to what I know. -fin

8/8/09 Quitting Smoking

So I’ve been smoking cigarettes for 30+ years, and I’ve know for about 25 of those years that I needed to quit. The weird thing is, when I was younger, I told myself that I would only smoke until I was 40 years old, and then I would quit. Then it became 45 years old, and now that it’s a little more than that…Spirit has been calling for me to quit since October of last year, and very loudly, I might add.

I tried to ignore this message, because I really enjoy smoking. It’s a pain to have to have cigarettes on your person at all times, and it’s a pain to go outside to smoke (even at your own house), but with all of that, I still enjoyed sucking the smoke into my lungs. So I was very reluctant. But when you think of the expense and the obvious health risks, it seemed stupid to invest my money in something that would never do me any real good. So, I finally put them down…for now.

Here are my observations regarding my recovery:

1. Nicotine is not really the big issue for me. I don’t exhibit a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit smoking (cold turkey method). For me, 99.9% is the habit: the physical action of putting my hand to my mouth and keeping it there for the moment, sucking in the smoke, and blowing it out.

2. And when I quit, it dredges up (out of my deepest, darkest psyche) my loneliness and longing for a partnership/relationship. Can you believe that?

To give you a bit of background, I have quit two times before, once for 6 months and once for about 3 or 4 months. Each time, this loneliness and longing comes to haunt me like a familiar specter. Each time I’m not only dealing with giving up a very ingrained habit, but also dealing with old issues that I thought were taken care of long ago. In the past, it really freaked me out. What is the relationship between my lack of companionship and my need for smoking cigarettes? And I think when the loneliness finally became too much for me to deal with (because that was not an issue I had come prepared to deal with), I think that I took up smoking again.
This time, I am not surprised, but I had forgotten that these two issues were so linked in my soul. Now in order to be successful, I have to deal with my feelings of inferiority. Crap! I ain’t got enough on my plate, already?? I hate dealing with this on top o f the quit smoking routine. Who knew that cigarettes could be a surrogate boyfriend! And I really want a cigarette right now!

My oral retentive personality is shoving food into my mouth to compensate for the lack of comfort, which causes me to gain weight and make me even more unattractive to the opposite sex to ensure that my loneliness remain a viable issue for me. I ain’t small, ladies and gentlemen, I am MORBIDLY obese (a beast?) and you add a few more pounds on top of that, and that ain’t purdy! So you can see the “Wheel of Pain” moves around and around and around…..

There is a way to get a grip on all of this, and I am going to find it. I want to quit, mainly for my daughter’s sake, so that she knows that whatever she puts her mind to do, she can do. I want to quit for my health and well-being, and I want to save my money for fun things to do. I will HAVE TO deal with my longings for a partner-relationship, or else this time I will not make it, again. That sucks, but that’s where I’m at, so this also needs to be dealt with. Wish me luck, ‘cause I’ve had that particular cave shut off for quite some time, and getting the light and air in there, and cleaning out the muck, will probably take some real effort and time.

Send me good will and keep me in your prayers. I am most definitely going to need it! -fin

8/1/09 Parasitic relationships

While playing at my online game, I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before. A person asked to be my friend, I accepted, and later this person would show up unasked to step into my gaming 'battles'. I usually have no problem with this, as this game promotes helping your fellow gamer out. This person, however, did nothing to assist, but merely hung out, gaining experience points and levels, while I was doing all the work. He said, "I have the boss", so I watched and gave him some free reign to get the 'boss'. Did he? No. Finally I had to kill the boss and be done with the battle. Then I removed him from my friend's list. Quite simply, this person is a parasite.

Then I attend a party with a relatively new group to me, and had a little knowledge beforehand on two of the couples there and their relationship with one another. I saw a third couple there that also exhibited the same energy. Let me explain. Partner A in all these couples are the wounded ones, the ones that never seem to hold down a job, never have good energy to bring to the table, and are jealous, mean and disruptive with their spouse. Partner B in all of these couples provide resources, take on the awesome resposibility of 'A's mental health issues, and take an awful lot of abuse for their troubles. Partner A is the parasite, and Partner B is the host.

In my younger years I would have thought that the parasite was "misunderstood" and feel badly for them, because, obviously, they were "wounded", and needed my assistance to reach a higher level of existance, to become a productive member of society AND the person I wanted them to be.

Hi, my name is Jimena, and I am co-dependent!

Now, because of all the experiences that I have had, and all the things that I have seen, I do know a few things, and here they are:

1. A parasite will never change as long as someone is catering to their every whim (hint, YOU!). Because we reward their crappy behavior with our continued presence and resouces.

2. Whatever they accuse you of doing, that you would never think of doing until they actually accused you - they are doing that very thing. Watch your back!

3. They will say and do whatever it takes to keep you there with them, providing them with whatever you are providing. And they will do what they want to when you are not looking.

4. They will try to cause disruption in the host's life through friends, family, jobs, etc. They are very, very insecure, and need to know that the host will never have an epiphany that will take them away from this very, very dysfunctional situation. Communication with others can bring insight, and believe you - me, they don't want the host to know that there are better choices out there!

5. A parasite has lost their connection to the God/Source, so be prepared for:
a. They are miserable, and can only be happy if they are able to cause misery in others. It makes them feel like they are in control, and it keeps the playing field 'even'.
b. They are selfish to the selfish extreme. They do not know how to love, and you will not teach them how, either. They have lost their ability to be compassionate to others, so all relationships are always about CONTROL.
c. They have no way to 'refuel' themselves through God/Source, so they will feed on the energy of others, and the host, most especially. After dealing with them, and after confrontations with them, you will be drained of all energy, which is specifically designed to keep you from moving away from the situation.

And lastly, I must say, most of the 'hosts' that I have known over the years become less and less themselves the more time they spend in these relationships. It's like they become a shadow of themselves and their former glory. They become harder to speak to, and less able to hear. They withdraw into themselves more, and find other avenues of escape. They have somehow taken on the darkness of the parasite and carry this around with themselves, which is a sad waste of life.

Do not delude yourself into thinking that you can or will have a positive influence upon these parasites. Be aware that they most assuredly will have a negative influence upon your own life.

Understand that there is a darkness, a place that needs healing, within ourselves, that we need to search for and be compassionate with. Because otherwise, we would not be looking to drink from dark waters when we thirst. -ag

7/25/09 Getting "High"

When I was young, I really wanted to get as 'high' as I could possibly get on whatever, though mostly pot. I wanted to get as "out of it" as I could. After about 7 years of that, I stopped altogether to see what life would be like, and here's what I found out.
1. I was chronically depressed before I ever tried drugs, so, at first, the drugs made me feel better. What amazed me later was to find out that, yeah, initially they made me feel better temporarily, but eventually that "being high" caused me to feel more depressed. After I quit, I felt much better overall.
2. My drug of choice, weed, takes away my motivation. Period. So, all my time not spent at work, I was spending getting high, and I wasn't happy with where I was at in general in life, but I also wasn't doing a darn thing to change it! I was just too busy getting high to make any changes in my life, or to work for something more. That was a vicious little circle, believe me!
3. All the other drugs are scary. I watched a special many years ago on how cocaine was made, and I was appalled. Then I heard how Meth is made, and let me tell you, I wouldn't drink a gallon of gasoline - I also won't do those drugs! Designer drugs with household cleaning products in them! Good Lord, there's only so much one body can take in abuse in one lifetime, and I don't feel comfortable taking any of them!
4. Now, I have drank alcohol over the years, but that has changed also. When I was younger, it was about getting "high", obviously. Then I gained a few years and began to have hangovers. That'll put it all into perspective! First, cheap sweet wines went out the window. Second, mixing different liquors, third, I began to make sure that I drank plenty of water beforehand and quit trying to eat food afterwards (not good for me!). Fourth, you decide that you don't need to get stumbling drunk so you try to find your "window" and stay there. Finally, you get a little buzzed and just go to bed. It ultimately becomes "not worth it!".
5. Getting high actually (on a spiritual level) disconnects you from the earth. This is why you can be so inspired and intuitional (connected to spirit) but you can't remember what your thoughts were, and you lack implementation (grounded or connected to the earth). We are meant to be creatures that strive toward balance in our lives (6=balance=harmony=good times), but getting high takes us out of that arena. If we do this often enough, we become fractured individuals and have no balance, no harmony, and ultimately, no good times. Ergo, depression (self loathing).
So, if you know someone that needs an education on drugs, here's what I learned over time about getting high. There is a place for it in our lives, but it is a small place that should never be given too much time or energy. We need to maintain our balance to fulfill our destiny(ies). -ag

7/25/09 Obama's Heath Care Plan

Ok, first, I listened to our new presidents news conference, and, hey, I'm sorry, but I still like the guy! He's smart, and he is more than willing to stick his neck out there, even if it's just to get loped off! And, I tell you, that I have watched the shrinking of the middle class, and the ever-widening gap between the "haves" and the "have-nots", and I am appalled that the richest in our country are the biggest babies in the world about spending money. They act like they are entitled to the money, and that it's not a gift of spirit, and they are wrong!! They act like they owe nothing to the rest of us, but they do, and this is why.
1. I am your brother/sister, however you want to say it. All the major religions of the world say it, and that is because it is true. If you let me down, then you let a little piece of yourself down as well.
2. The difference between what a doctor "makes" in a year has changed dramatically in the last 50 years. Doctors could and did make good money, but a good portion of them practiced in places that didn't have a lot of revenue, but they still managed to make a living. The vast majority of them worked with what there patients could provide, and didn't refuse treatment due to the patient's poverty level. When it's all about money, my friends, then we have lost our humanity, and the hypocratic oath might as well go out the window. All professionals are making way, way above what normal wages are in this nation, and personally, I'm disgusted by it. Disgusted by our inherent greed.
3. Money is a product of this world only, so you won't be taking any of it with you when you die. It is a resource that is meant to be USED, and if you use it for the benefit of all of mankind, think of the energy that you are spreading; good feeling, good times. Now, think if you kept it all to yourself, never benefiting anyone but yourself. That energy is sticky and dark.
We need health care reform, and we need it now. If Obama's idea isn't correct, than at least try it and then tweak it to something better. Like all institutions in the government, it will eventually evolve into what it will be anyway. There are so many people who do not have health care, and personally, I am about 3 paychecks away from not having it myself. So, please, think about it. It's my own personal "no body left behind" sort of program.
-ag

7/19/2009

So, my next rant is about all these conservatives in my state/area, that are preaching the end of the world and the destruction of all we hold dear.

Wow, Obama's been in office less than 6 months, and you're already blaming him for every consequence of Bush's presidential decisions and policies. You've already established that you believe everything will go to "hell in a hand basket". But here's what you don't realize.

Your fear is eating you, like a unbidden monster. Your fear makes you ripe for manipulation by the ones who sling that destructive message around. Your fear makes you weak, at a time when you need your strength the most.

The end of the world has been predicted since forever. There have always been those people who have "seen" the end, and want others to believe that the end is imminent. Neither I nor you know when the end of times is here. Right here, right now, we can make a difference in our immediate world, and potentially the globe, but not from a weakened place of fear. We can only have a positive effect from a strong position of hope, courage, and peace in our hearts. There's no room for peace in a heart full of fear.

You talk about your religion like it means something to you, and yet you do not follow the tenents of your greatest prophet, your savior! You believe that torture is OK, as long as it insures your safety (By the way, torture does not insure your safety). Yet, would Jesus follow that same path? Do you think that he was sometimes afraid to turn the other cheek? I feel that he sometimes had second thoughts, but he set that fear aside so he could give us a message of peace and love; compassion for our fellow man. He wouldn't have approved of torturing prisoners, and neither should you. He wouldn't have approved of the messages of doom and gloom that you spread like a disease. He would have had a message of hope and love. And you know it.

So, get over your fears. It is time to set them aside so you can join the ranks of life that is worth living, and make a better place for your children and their children, and so on. Have the courage to not only believe what you believe, but to act in a manner in accordance with your religion. Get a grip, please. Not all is doom and gloom, and although the economy may get worse before it gets better, we will weather this a lot better than a poor person in the third world. So why all the wailing and gnashing of teeth?

Why not hope for the best and work for that, as well? Would it really hurt you that much to have a positive attitude and belief in your God? I don't think so. And quit spreading your disease onto the masses. None of us need to hear your message of doom.
-ag

07/15/2009

So, I recently installed the internet, and boy have I been playing! I found a game to play, not WOW, but very much like it, and was instantly hooked. We won't go into the fact that I have an addictive personality, but suffice to say, I played it as much as humanly possible. Finally, I think that compulsion has worn a bit thin. And one of the problems I have with this type of game is the inevitability that you have to have friends to make it through certain places, and I feel more comfortable working alone. I like games and puzzles, but if I screw it up, I'd rather be the one who gets the hit, if you know what I mean.
I have also joined up with a couple of groups in the city who are involved with metaphysics and all things related, and so hopefully this will get me out of my shell a bit and out there with more people. I think I'll leave the game alone for awhile, and try real life (yuck!).
Do you know what's weird? I know what I need to be doing to get my life in the right place, and I'm not doing it! I wanted to find a symbol for "obey the direction of God / Obey the will of spirit" so I could prominently display it, in the hopes that this would remind me to get this done!
I'll meditate on that and see what I come up with. Later -ag

Jimena Rants

Well, this is cool! I needed a place to set down my thoughts, other than the 5 or 6 random notebooks lying around my house, so I have this place now. You may not want to read my random thoughts..that's O.K.
It ain't about you!

First thought: We attract the sickness (darkness /disfunction) in others that resonates to our own sickness. We have to heal ourselves of our own sickness before we can begin to change what we attract to ourselves, and move on to something different.

This, of course, explains my love life! And you can bet that the "something different" is a sickness all it's own. There's the rub! Life is just a wheel.....

Second: The fruit falls from the tree to rot in the ground. The seed within feeds off the fruit, germinates, and reaches out in the darkness for nourishment and stability. Finding that which sustains life, and taking root, the seed then pushes through to the surface, to be reborn, to touch the light of day, and find a new life to experience full of it's own challenges.

So, when you are in the darkness, reach out for your nourishment and stability to you can have 'roots'. Personally, I would suggest that you look for this nourishment from those people who love you unconditionally. 'Nuf said. -Jimena