Tuesday, August 25, 2009

8/25/09 The Plot Thickens!

Oh, my, I just didn’t realize how deep this all went. So, as I said before, I am still on the road to quit smoking (I’ve had a couple of drags this week) but it has really dredged up a lot of issues that I sure didn’t want to deal with! So, I realized that I wanted a relationship to fill the gaping hole in my life, and I started to think ‘thoughts’ about a married man that I know.

Thoughts are things, and nothing has brought this home to me like the experiences that I have had within the last year. This year I have finally been able to connect the dots between my thoughts, and the reactions that I have had from other people. The reactions that I have noted have been obvious and immediate, and there has been no mistake that there is a correlation. This brings us back to our own connectiveness within the collective, and how we may feel isolated from others, but we are in no way alone.

Now, let me tell you of my most recent observation. I’ve really fallen in love with three men in my life, and this week I looked at the similarities for the first time.
1) They all three were married. Not a shock to me, I already knew that I had an issue there, probably of the “I only want what I can not have” variety.
2) They all take care of their wives financially. This I hadn’t realized in the past, but there is an issue within me there, as well. In other lives past, I’m pretty sure that I was ‘taken care of’ by other people, and I also know that this life I was supposed to practice taking care of myself. Apparently there is a belief in me that the ‘gaping hole’ will be filled if I don’t have to go to work everyday, don’t have to work for a living. This is erroneous, I know on a conscious level, but how do I convince my subconscious…?
3) They all made me laugh. None of them look the same, or have the same sense of humor, but all of them make me laugh a lot. And I love them for it. That will remain as a requirement for anyone wanting to have a relationship with me.

In one of those relationships, I didn’t go there. I’d like to think that was because I was best friend’s with the wife, but truly, I had no self esteem, and couldn’t imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me. In the second relationship, I did go there, and I told myself at first that I wouldn’t “care” about him, I would just sleep with him, get what I want, and have a very cavalier, “adult” attitude about it. I couldn’t have been more wrong! It took me no time at all to start resenting the time he wasn’t with me, and harboring hopes that the relationship he was already committed to would fall apart. When that didn’t happen (hello!), I was depressed and inconsolable, and miserable to be around (just ask my friends). This was the progression of my disease.

So, back on track. I’m thinking thoughts that I should not be thinking, and I’m harboring hopes that I should not be hoping, and as I’m talking to him, I realize that he is making constant references about his wife. Fine with me, but it seemed a bit much, and not connected to the conversation. And that’s when I realize.

He is a very stable, steady kind of guy, and he has already made up his mind not to go there with me. He may have harbored a thought or two 6 months ago, maybe a year ago, but he definitely is not there now. I think that he thought about who he is and where he is, and saw that it would not be to his (or anyone else’s) benefit to go there, and so he will not. And I could feel the shift, I think, and almost tell you when this happened. Because thoughts are things, and on some level, I felt this shift in him as much as he could feel my thoughts.

And he has been very kind to me, and will continue to do so, because he really does care about me. And I’ll go on loving him for now, since he has saved me from an old abyss. But the hardest thing is for me to look at myself and my own behavior though this whole thing.

I thought that I would just ‘take what I could get’ with him, but just like the second guy, that wouldn’t have worked in the long run. And I really can’t lie to myself about that any longer, it’s a repeat issue. Sooner or later I would resent his attention being elsewhere, and I would become miserable and start to pine away for him, because in my heart I would want him to fill that gaping hole in me (impossible, you know) and show me he loved me by taking care of me (here we go again).

And I was willing to become an interloper in a relationship that I had no right whatsoever to interfere in. These men are committed to women that they have built an entire world with, woman who have stuck with them through thick and thin, and for all their flaws, love these men. Take the truth in that, and mix it with the idea that these women have never fended for themselves completely out there in the real world, and would be lost without their significant other. The men that I love are all very loyal and committed, not the fly-by-night kind of guys. Of course, they would not leave their original love. And, of course, a wiser “me” would never ask them to.

So, as usual, the worse thing is seeing the truth in my behavior and owning my own mistakes. Sucks, but that’s where I am. After grieving (and I still am, a little), I felt better, and I sort of renewed my own commitment to myself. These men can not fill the gaping hole in me, only God/Source can. The only way I can really connect to God/Source easily is to play my music, write my songs, and bleed my heart (i.e. create). So, I’m off to write, sing, dance, and create. No more stupid, destructive distractions, I hope. No more pining for married men, I hope. I want to be a better person, really, and not set myself up for disaster just because that’s what I know, and it’s familiar. I think I want to be more ‘real’ and myself than that.

Wish me luck – I have a very hard head, and have a tendency to hang on to what I know. -fin

Saturday, August 8, 2009

8/8/09 Quitting Smoking

So I’ve been smoking cigarettes for 30+ years, and I’ve know for about 25 of those years that I needed to quit. The weird thing is, when I was younger, I told myself that I would only smoke until I was 40 years old, and then I would quit. Then it became 45 years old, and now that it’s a little more than that…Spirit has been calling for me to quit since October of last year, and very loudly, I might add.

I tried to ignore this message, because I really enjoy smoking. It’s a pain to have to have cigarettes on your person at all times, and it’s a pain to go outside to smoke (even at your own house), but with all of that, I still enjoyed sucking the smoke into my lungs. So I was very reluctant. But when you think of the expense and the obvious health risks, it seemed stupid to invest my money in something that would never do me any real good. So, I finally put them down…for now.

Here are my observations regarding my recovery:

1. Nicotine is not really the big issue for me. I don’t exhibit a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit smoking (cold turkey method). For me, 99.9% is the habit: the physical action of putting my hand to my mouth and keeping it there for the moment, sucking in the smoke, and blowing it out.

2. And when I quit, it dredges up (out of my deepest, darkest psyche) my loneliness and longing for a partnership/relationship. Can you believe that?

To give you a bit of background, I have quit two times before, once for 6 months and once for about 3 or 4 months. Each time, this loneliness and longing comes to haunt me like a familiar specter. Each time I’m not only dealing with giving up a very ingrained habit, but also dealing with old issues that I thought were taken care of long ago. In the past, it really freaked me out. What is the relationship between my lack of companionship and my need for smoking cigarettes? And I think when the loneliness finally became too much for me to deal with (because that was not an issue I had come prepared to deal with), I think that I took up smoking again.
This time, I am not surprised, but I had forgotten that these two issues were so linked in my soul. Now in order to be successful, I have to deal with my feelings of inferiority. Crap! I ain’t got enough on my plate, already?? I hate dealing with this on top o f the quit smoking routine. Who knew that cigarettes could be a surrogate boyfriend! And I really want a cigarette right now!

My oral retentive personality is shoving food into my mouth to compensate for the lack of comfort, which causes me to gain weight and make me even more unattractive to the opposite sex to ensure that my loneliness remain a viable issue for me. I ain’t small, ladies and gentlemen, I am MORBIDLY obese (a beast?) and you add a few more pounds on top of that, and that ain’t purdy! So you can see the “Wheel of Pain” moves around and around and around…..

There is a way to get a grip on all of this, and I am going to find it. I want to quit, mainly for my daughter’s sake, so that she knows that whatever she puts her mind to do, she can do. I want to quit for my health and well-being, and I want to save my money for fun things to do. I will HAVE TO deal with my longings for a partner-relationship, or else this time I will not make it, again. That sucks, but that’s where I’m at, so this also needs to be dealt with. Wish me luck, ‘cause I’ve had that particular cave shut off for quite some time, and getting the light and air in there, and cleaning out the muck, will probably take some real effort and time.

Send me good will and keep me in your prayers. I am most definitely going to need it! -fin

Sunday, August 2, 2009

8/1/09 Parasitic relationships

While playing at my online game, I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before. A person asked to be my friend, I accepted, and later this person would show up unasked to step into my gaming 'battles'. I usually have no problem with this, as this game promotes helping your fellow gamer out. This person, however, did nothing to assist, but merely hung out, gaining experience points and levels, while I was doing all the work. He said, "I have the boss", so I watched and gave him some free reign to get the 'boss'. Did he? No. Finally I had to kill the boss and be done with the battle. Then I removed him from my friend's list. Quite simply, this person is a parasite.

Then I attend a party with a relatively new group to me, and had a little knowledge beforehand on two of the couples there and their relationship with one another. I saw a third couple there that also exhibited the same energy. Let me explain. Partner A in all these couples are the wounded ones, the ones that never seem to hold down a job, never have good energy to bring to the table, and are jealous, mean and disruptive with their spouse. Partner B in all of these couples provide resources, take on the awesome resposibility of 'A's mental health issues, and take an awful lot of abuse for their troubles. Partner A is the parasite, and Partner B is the host.

In my younger years I would have thought that the parasite was "misunderstood" and feel badly for them, because, obviously, they were "wounded", and needed my assistance to reach a higher level of existance, to become a productive member of society AND the person I wanted them to be.

Hi, my name is Jimena, and I am co-dependent!

Now, because of all the experiences that I have had, and all the things that I have seen, I do know a few things, and here they are:

1. A parasite will never change as long as someone is catering to their every whim (hint, YOU!). Because we reward their crappy behavior with our continued presence and resouces.

2. Whatever they accuse you of doing, that you would never think of doing until they actually accused you - they are doing that very thing. Watch your back!

3. They will say and do whatever it takes to keep you there with them, providing them with whatever you are providing. And they will do what they want to when you are not looking.

4. They will try to cause disruption in the host's life through friends, family, jobs, etc. They are very, very insecure, and need to know that the host will never have an epiphany that will take them away from this very, very dysfunctional situation. Communication with others can bring insight, and believe you - me, they don't want the host to know that there are better choices out there!

5. A parasite has lost their connection to the God/Source, so be prepared for:
a. They are miserable, and can only be happy if they are able to cause misery in others. It makes them feel like they are in control, and it keeps the playing field 'even'.
b. They are selfish to the selfish extreme. They do not know how to love, and you will not teach them how, either. They have lost their ability to be compassionate to others, so all relationships are always about CONTROL.
c. They have no way to 'refuel' themselves through God/Source, so they will feed on the energy of others, and the host, most especially. After dealing with them, and after confrontations with them, you will be drained of all energy, which is specifically designed to keep you from moving away from the situation.

And lastly, I must say, most of the 'hosts' that I have known over the years become less and less themselves the more time they spend in these relationships. It's like they become a shadow of themselves and their former glory. They become harder to speak to, and less able to hear. They withdraw into themselves more, and find other avenues of escape. They have somehow taken on the darkness of the parasite and carry this around with themselves, which is a sad waste of life.

Do not delude yourself into thinking that you can or will have a positive influence upon these parasites. Be aware that they most assuredly will have a negative influence upon your own life.

Understand that there is a darkness, a place that needs healing, within ourselves, that we need to search for and be compassionate with. Because otherwise, we would not be looking to drink from dark waters when we thirst. -ag