Saturday, August 8, 2009

8/8/09 Quitting Smoking

So I’ve been smoking cigarettes for 30+ years, and I’ve know for about 25 of those years that I needed to quit. The weird thing is, when I was younger, I told myself that I would only smoke until I was 40 years old, and then I would quit. Then it became 45 years old, and now that it’s a little more than that…Spirit has been calling for me to quit since October of last year, and very loudly, I might add.

I tried to ignore this message, because I really enjoy smoking. It’s a pain to have to have cigarettes on your person at all times, and it’s a pain to go outside to smoke (even at your own house), but with all of that, I still enjoyed sucking the smoke into my lungs. So I was very reluctant. But when you think of the expense and the obvious health risks, it seemed stupid to invest my money in something that would never do me any real good. So, I finally put them down…for now.

Here are my observations regarding my recovery:

1. Nicotine is not really the big issue for me. I don’t exhibit a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit smoking (cold turkey method). For me, 99.9% is the habit: the physical action of putting my hand to my mouth and keeping it there for the moment, sucking in the smoke, and blowing it out.

2. And when I quit, it dredges up (out of my deepest, darkest psyche) my loneliness and longing for a partnership/relationship. Can you believe that?

To give you a bit of background, I have quit two times before, once for 6 months and once for about 3 or 4 months. Each time, this loneliness and longing comes to haunt me like a familiar specter. Each time I’m not only dealing with giving up a very ingrained habit, but also dealing with old issues that I thought were taken care of long ago. In the past, it really freaked me out. What is the relationship between my lack of companionship and my need for smoking cigarettes? And I think when the loneliness finally became too much for me to deal with (because that was not an issue I had come prepared to deal with), I think that I took up smoking again.
This time, I am not surprised, but I had forgotten that these two issues were so linked in my soul. Now in order to be successful, I have to deal with my feelings of inferiority. Crap! I ain’t got enough on my plate, already?? I hate dealing with this on top o f the quit smoking routine. Who knew that cigarettes could be a surrogate boyfriend! And I really want a cigarette right now!

My oral retentive personality is shoving food into my mouth to compensate for the lack of comfort, which causes me to gain weight and make me even more unattractive to the opposite sex to ensure that my loneliness remain a viable issue for me. I ain’t small, ladies and gentlemen, I am MORBIDLY obese (a beast?) and you add a few more pounds on top of that, and that ain’t purdy! So you can see the “Wheel of Pain” moves around and around and around…..

There is a way to get a grip on all of this, and I am going to find it. I want to quit, mainly for my daughter’s sake, so that she knows that whatever she puts her mind to do, she can do. I want to quit for my health and well-being, and I want to save my money for fun things to do. I will HAVE TO deal with my longings for a partner-relationship, or else this time I will not make it, again. That sucks, but that’s where I’m at, so this also needs to be dealt with. Wish me luck, ‘cause I’ve had that particular cave shut off for quite some time, and getting the light and air in there, and cleaning out the muck, will probably take some real effort and time.

Send me good will and keep me in your prayers. I am most definitely going to need it! -fin


  1. Good for you Ayesha. For quitting AND for being aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it. Believe it or not, that awareness is about half your battle. There are definitely ways around and through all this stuff and I bet you already know some of them. You just have to dig deep in your bag of tools and start working with what you know and building on that. ALL addictions are a way we cover our pain and comfort ourselves. That is why they are so hard to quit. You have to find a healthy replacement for the cigs and food ain't it. As you've already noticed that compounds the problem. BUT you most assuredly have what it takes to do this. Think about this. If spirit was calling you to quit then spirit must be asking you to deal with the lonliness/partnership and spirit never asks you to do something without also providing you the help and support you will need. Don't give up - because I am certain you are moments away from success!