10/22/2009 Oh, I Get It!

So I don’t understand why I don’t feel connected to anything, and I this whole year has been a struggle with addictions, and I’ve gained weight and haven’t really conquered the cigarette addiction yet, and I’ve found myself spending too much time thinking about relationships that will never happen…and it’s been like the first 40 some-odd years of my life, only times 10!

So why am I so disconnected? I know what I want to do, and I wasn’t doing it, and I wasn’t all that concerned about doing it, and I’ve gotten so fat I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror! So, I’m thinking, “what has gone wrong?”

And then I get it. My relationship with God has been neglected. I started praying (actually about something entirely different) and ended up realizing that this is the one area that I really haven’t made any strides to get back. And this is the one place where I need to get back.

I don’t adhere to traditional Christian organized religions – I find them too restrictive, dogmatic, and neglectful themselves to the underlying message of Christ, which is Love. I heard all the “burn in hell, sinners” in my younger years, and I’m all done with that. But I have spent a good deal of my adult years studying religion and coming to peace with it through a metaphysical / new age point of view. I believe in reincarnation, I believe that all souls must eventually come home to God (Love), and I believe that the teachers that were sent here on earth should be known by their works. I hold Christ in great esteem because he was showing us who we could all become, if we have faith and hold God close to ourselves. He carried the Christ Consciousness that is available to all, and taught us that we too are the children of God, and “these things you can do also”.

And somewhere along the line, I neglected to let God help, and be a part of my recovery. The addictions are self hatred expressed – no doubt in my mind. The hatred of self sets up barriers to God and to the Christ Consciousness, and it escalates from there, to be expressed by more addictive behavior. I have failed to allow love into my heart…love of self (addictive behaviors), love of others (I am guilty of ridicule, which is completely disrespectful), and love of life (I wish that things were different! Woe is me…).

I don’t believe 100% of the bible – I believe that a lot of people, having access to that power, would further their own agendas through the biblical translations, no doubt. So I adhere to the teachings that feel true to me. Christ states that he is the child of man, and that we are all the children of God, and only through God is anything that he does possible. So today, and hopefully everyday hereafter, I will be mindful…God is here, with me, always. I can always have God with me at all times. I need to foster love of mankind, love of self, and love of life, so I can receive the grace of God, and feel the glory of God. I need to nurture this everyday so I can get closer to the person that I need to be to fulfill my destiny. And so I can teach my daughter these things. Because she needs to know that God is always with her also.

-ag