9/24/2009 Weary am I

Fighting and not fighting the smoking issue has been interesting. I smoke, than I don’t smoke for 3 or 5 days, then I smoke for 1 or 2; this is really weird and very different from the last times I quit. I don’t get it, except for I did express a wish that I could be one of those people that smoke sometimes, but not all the time…you know, the friend that smokes when you go out to drink, but doesn’t smoke the day after, etc. Always this fascinated me, because I’ve always said I was “all or nothing”, but this time I am proven wrong. Kind of weird, I don’t know where this will lead.

But with my voice getting back into shape, you would think I would be grabbing the guitar and going to town…writing down my existing songs, and making up some new ones. But, no, I haven’t allowed for that kind of activity. What I have been doing (being the Scorpio that I am) is obsessing about men that I know, craving you-know-what. I have been desperately trying to trade an addiction for another one, and not in a healthy way. Problem: thoughts are things. These men are too close for comfort; I see them way too often.

Solution: The only men I am going to fantasize about from now on are public figures who are far removed from me and get hundreds of fantasies on the God/Source World-Wide-Web everyday, and can not distinguish me from the hundreds of other adoring fans. I simply can not endanger my mental health, and I certainly can not intrude on others psychic web sites any longer. Not good for anyone.

I’m going to re-read ‘Manifest your Destiny’ by Dr. Wayne Dyer, and get back to what is important. It’s important to substitute a good addiction for a bad one; it’s good to pursue your path of destiny. I know I need to get back to music, I know that it makes me feel good, and I have always known that this is the one thing that I do that is good for me in every way. I need to do this for my self, my child who looks up to me to teach her, and my community that needs to know the depths to which we can feel and emote; to share the passion in art.

I’m going to do all the things I need to do, and clean out the cellar completely. The pipes are clogged again, and need to be opened. Anyone have a snake?