I became aware of the outside world in the 70’s, and as a child of that generation, I truly believed in mankind’s ability to change the world for the common good, and I believed that my generation was going to be the one to affect that change. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe we create our world and direct where it goes, but I am highly disappointed that on mass, we have created the society that we have now.
In the 70’s, people still worked their jobs for 30 years or more and retired with benefits from the corporations that they worked for. They could still be hired without a college degree and, with hard work and dedication, they could still make a living and look forward to a time when they would be allowed to rest.
Individuals built up companies in their garages, looked and planned for a future, and turned these same small companies into money making organizations. These entrepreneurs knew every aspect of their business because at some point or other, they had sat and worked this position. These individuals also knew all of the employees that worked for them. They knew the families of their employees, and watched their kids grow over the years. Everyone had a vested interest in seeing the company grow more and more each year, so not only did they have a future, but their children had one as well. They looked out to see where they were going and how they were going to fit in to the future economy in order to make their profit. They valued their independence and self sufficiency. We didn’t realize it yet, but we were in the midst of a golden era regarding entrepreneurships. We were still human beings, and not just a number.
Somewhere between there and now, conglomerate-type corporations of the world began to ‘gobble’ up these individually owned companies in order to diversify their investment. They wanted to mitigate the risk of having all their eggs in one basket, and this was seen as the way to protect the investment. So instead of being an expert in what they were doing with one basket, they gave up expertise for volume. They chose to buy 5 more baskets, and hire 5 managers to look after their interests, instead of putting that money back into the original company to update and keep ahead of the competition. Basically, that says to me that you have very little faith in your abilities to keep a company running and healthy. Hmmmm.
Instead of having knowledge and control of a product or service, they gave all that away. The passion of the original entrepreneur is lost, the passion to build something meaningful and productive from an idea or product. The passion is gone, and the bean counters rule, because it isn’t about common sense anymore, it’s just about the money. It’s about the next raise and the next bonus and the next promotion. No longer do we work for a company for 30 years to retire from it. Now the professionals of the world work for a company for 5 years average and move on. Since they are not going to be with the company for a lifetime, are they going to worry about the long term plan? They’ll set the goals and sit in boardrooms discussing it all, but do they really have an invested interest in what the company is doing 30 years down the road? No, they do not. They realize that they will not be there then, and they have to prove their worth to the current management in place (who will not last at their jobs for any length of time, either) by proving how they are saving the corporation money and improving processes constantly, and they have to do this today. Returns are to be grand and immediate. The level of greed that they are working with has high expectations of a hefty, quick return. If they don’t prove today that they are saving tons of money for the investors, they will be out of a job tomorrow, and they know it. They create and manipulate data for their spreadsheets and power point presentations that “prove” that they are really worth the money paid to them, and to keep for their portfolio when they are searching for their next position.
Gone are the days when the individual owner would use current profit to further the company in the next 10 or 20 years, knowing that this year’s profit would be weak because of that decision. Gone is the passion to provide and produce quality services and product, knowing all along that it will cost more to insure that quality. Gone are the days when the owner knows the name of your spouse and children, and has a vested interest in your level of stress and happiness.
Now you are just a number, and a number that costs (bottom line). It no longer matters that your spouse/child/parent is having medical difficulties. You will either fit into the mold provided, or you will be eliminated. It no longer matters that rising cost of living has affected your ability to subsist at all. You will either fit into the mold provided, or you will be eliminated. It doesn’t matter that you have been a loyal and true worker for years. They can find someone with less experience out there to do your job for less money. No matter that you know what you are doing, and how to get it done efficiently. You are perceived as a drain on the corporation, and not an asset. You will be eliminated.
We lack self esteem, because no matter what we do on the job, unless we can prove that we are saving the company our wages plus five other people’s wages (on a colorful and complicated spreadsheet), we have no worth, and we are a drain. We lack security because nothing that we do is good enough for management. No matter what we have done, they will continually ask for more. We lack faith as we see how other worker’s have been treated during times of individual turmoil and upheaval. We know that in today’s market, we are nothing.
Now, I’m not going to blame any political party or any elite group residing in the world today for this skewed existence. The world that we live in today was created by us…all of us. Because when you look at the basic tenets of these corporations, it is all about greed. They have to have immediate and substantial profits at every quarter – a year from now is too late! And that is what each and every one of us (who have been sucked in by this philosophy) has come to want as well. We want the large four bedroom home with the vaulted ceilings in the good neighborhood, and we want this within the year, not ten years down the road. We want all the amenities, the appliances, the cable tv attached to every tv set in the house. We feel we need the individual cell phones and laptop computers for every member of the household. And we want it now.
We don’t want to wait to save the money to avoid interest rates and monthly bills. We refuse to wait even a small amount of time to afford our wants. We want it now, and we’ll buy it all on credit. We don’t care that our future employment should never be a ‘given’, we don’t want to think of that. We just know that we want something, and we want it now. Kind of sounds like a child, huh?
Our greed and lack of foresight are the driving forces behind our society, and this is reflected in the way our society is set up. This is ‘acceptable’ to us, because it allows us to gratify our wishes fairly immediately with tons of items to make our lives more convenient. We do not, as a society, go ‘without’ today so that we can ‘have’ tomorrow. We do not consider the consequences of our decisions and actions today, to ensure a better tomorrow for our children and for the planet we live on. We want what we want and we want it now.
We are the conglomerate corporations, gobbling up as many items as we can right now, to stave off the insecurity we feel inside. We are the ones to devalue ourselves because we don’t own enough ‘bright and shiny’ things. No amount of money will ever be enough to keep us from being afraid from what tomorrow will bring. So we will raid and pillage today with no thought of tomorrow.
We are the disease. Our thoughts are ‘skewed’ and drive us to act without foresight. The society that we build is a reflection of who we are. We have to heal ourselves and our fears while considering the benefit to others and our world, in order for our society to reflect that change. We are responsible for the world and what we manifest in it, and we need to take the responsibility seriously.
The changes have to come from within each and everyone of us, before it can be reflected into the outer world. Are you willing to take that step?
*
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Sunday, November 29, 2009
11/29/2009 - Aye, yih, yih!
Well, I’ve managed to forget just about everything I said just a month ago. My intentions are great, my follow-threw blows! Ding Dag Nab It!
What would it take to be mindful of God, appreciate my good qualities, forgive my bad ones, and make peace in my heart? What would it take to clean off my table and pull out my sewing machine? What would it take to grab my guitar and sit down to a daily session? What would it take?
A rubber band around my wrist, maybe? A daily affirmation from some new age internet site? Something I would see every day and be mindful of – I need some lipstick so I can write on my mirror!
I’m not as bad as I think, and not as good as I act, ya know? -ag
What would it take to be mindful of God, appreciate my good qualities, forgive my bad ones, and make peace in my heart? What would it take to clean off my table and pull out my sewing machine? What would it take to grab my guitar and sit down to a daily session? What would it take?
A rubber band around my wrist, maybe? A daily affirmation from some new age internet site? Something I would see every day and be mindful of – I need some lipstick so I can write on my mirror!
I’m not as bad as I think, and not as good as I act, ya know? -ag
Thursday, October 22, 2009
10/22/2009 Oh, I Get It!
So I don’t understand why I don’t feel connected to anything, and I this whole year has been a struggle with addictions, and I’ve gained weight and haven’t really conquered the cigarette addiction yet, and I’ve found myself spending too much time thinking about relationships that will never happen…and it’s been like the first 40 some-odd years of my life, only times 10!
So why am I so disconnected? I know what I want to do, and I wasn’t doing it, and I wasn’t all that concerned about doing it, and I’ve gotten so fat I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror! So, I’m thinking, “what has gone wrong?”
And then I get it. My relationship with God has been neglected. I started praying (actually about something entirely different) and ended up realizing that this is the one area that I really haven’t made any strides to get back. And this is the one place where I need to get back.
I don’t adhere to traditional Christian organized religions – I find them too restrictive, dogmatic, and neglectful themselves to the underlying message of Christ, which is Love. I heard all the “burn in hell, sinners” in my younger years, and I’m all done with that. But I have spent a good deal of my adult years studying religion and coming to peace with it through a metaphysical / new age point of view. I believe in reincarnation, I believe that all souls must eventually come home to God (Love), and I believe that the teachers that were sent here on earth should be known by their works. I hold Christ in great esteem because he was showing us who we could all become, if we have faith and hold God close to ourselves. He carried the Christ Consciousness that is available to all, and taught us that we too are the children of God, and “these things you can do also”.
And somewhere along the line, I neglected to let God help, and be a part of my recovery. The addictions are self hatred expressed – no doubt in my mind. The hatred of self sets up barriers to God and to the Christ Consciousness, and it escalates from there, to be expressed by more addictive behavior. I have failed to allow love into my heart…love of self (addictive behaviors), love of others (I am guilty of ridicule, which is completely disrespectful), and love of life (I wish that things were different! Woe is me…).
I don’t believe 100% of the bible – I believe that a lot of people, having access to that power, would further their own agendas through the biblical translations, no doubt. So I adhere to the teachings that feel true to me. Christ states that he is the child of man, and that we are all the children of God, and only through God is anything that he does possible. So today, and hopefully everyday hereafter, I will be mindful…God is here, with me, always. I can always have God with me at all times. I need to foster love of mankind, love of self, and love of life, so I can receive the grace of God, and feel the glory of God. I need to nurture this everyday so I can get closer to the person that I need to be to fulfill my destiny. And so I can teach my daughter these things. Because she needs to know that God is always with her also.
-ag
So I don’t understand why I don’t feel connected to anything, and I this whole year has been a struggle with addictions, and I’ve gained weight and haven’t really conquered the cigarette addiction yet, and I’ve found myself spending too much time thinking about relationships that will never happen…and it’s been like the first 40 some-odd years of my life, only times 10!
So why am I so disconnected? I know what I want to do, and I wasn’t doing it, and I wasn’t all that concerned about doing it, and I’ve gotten so fat I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror! So, I’m thinking, “what has gone wrong?”
And then I get it. My relationship with God has been neglected. I started praying (actually about something entirely different) and ended up realizing that this is the one area that I really haven’t made any strides to get back. And this is the one place where I need to get back.
I don’t adhere to traditional Christian organized religions – I find them too restrictive, dogmatic, and neglectful themselves to the underlying message of Christ, which is Love. I heard all the “burn in hell, sinners” in my younger years, and I’m all done with that. But I have spent a good deal of my adult years studying religion and coming to peace with it through a metaphysical / new age point of view. I believe in reincarnation, I believe that all souls must eventually come home to God (Love), and I believe that the teachers that were sent here on earth should be known by their works. I hold Christ in great esteem because he was showing us who we could all become, if we have faith and hold God close to ourselves. He carried the Christ Consciousness that is available to all, and taught us that we too are the children of God, and “these things you can do also”.
And somewhere along the line, I neglected to let God help, and be a part of my recovery. The addictions are self hatred expressed – no doubt in my mind. The hatred of self sets up barriers to God and to the Christ Consciousness, and it escalates from there, to be expressed by more addictive behavior. I have failed to allow love into my heart…love of self (addictive behaviors), love of others (I am guilty of ridicule, which is completely disrespectful), and love of life (I wish that things were different! Woe is me…).
I don’t believe 100% of the bible – I believe that a lot of people, having access to that power, would further their own agendas through the biblical translations, no doubt. So I adhere to the teachings that feel true to me. Christ states that he is the child of man, and that we are all the children of God, and only through God is anything that he does possible. So today, and hopefully everyday hereafter, I will be mindful…God is here, with me, always. I can always have God with me at all times. I need to foster love of mankind, love of self, and love of life, so I can receive the grace of God, and feel the glory of God. I need to nurture this everyday so I can get closer to the person that I need to be to fulfill my destiny. And so I can teach my daughter these things. Because she needs to know that God is always with her also.
-ag
Saturday, September 26, 2009
9/24/2009 Weary am I
Fighting and not fighting the smoking issue has been interesting. I smoke, than I don’t smoke for 3 or 5 days, then I smoke for 1 or 2; this is really weird and very different from the last times I quit. I don’t get it, except for I did express a wish that I could be one of those people that smoke sometimes, but not all the time…you know, the friend that smokes when you go out to drink, but doesn’t smoke the day after, etc. Always this fascinated me, because I’ve always said I was “all or nothing”, but this time I am proven wrong. Kind of weird, I don’t know where this will lead.
But with my voice getting back into shape, you would think I would be grabbing the guitar and going to town…writing down my existing songs, and making up some new ones. But, no, I haven’t allowed for that kind of activity. What I have been doing (being the Scorpio that I am) is obsessing about men that I know, craving you-know-what. I have been desperately trying to trade an addiction for another one, and not in a healthy way. Problem: thoughts are things. These men are too close for comfort; I see them way too often.
Solution: The only men I am going to fantasize about from now on are public figures who are far removed from me and get hundreds of fantasies on the God/Source World-Wide-Web everyday, and can not distinguish me from the hundreds of other adoring fans. I simply can not endanger my mental health, and I certainly can not intrude on others psychic web sites any longer. Not good for anyone.
I’m going to re-read ‘Manifest your Destiny’ by Dr. Wayne Dyer, and get back to what is important. It’s important to substitute a good addiction for a bad one; it’s good to pursue your path of destiny. I know I need to get back to music, I know that it makes me feel good, and I have always known that this is the one thing that I do that is good for me in every way. I need to do this for my self, my child who looks up to me to teach her, and my community that needs to know the depths to which we can feel and emote; to share the passion in art.
I’m going to do all the things I need to do, and clean out the cellar completely. The pipes are clogged again, and need to be opened. Anyone have a snake?
But with my voice getting back into shape, you would think I would be grabbing the guitar and going to town…writing down my existing songs, and making up some new ones. But, no, I haven’t allowed for that kind of activity. What I have been doing (being the Scorpio that I am) is obsessing about men that I know, craving you-know-what. I have been desperately trying to trade an addiction for another one, and not in a healthy way. Problem: thoughts are things. These men are too close for comfort; I see them way too often.
Solution: The only men I am going to fantasize about from now on are public figures who are far removed from me and get hundreds of fantasies on the God/Source World-Wide-Web everyday, and can not distinguish me from the hundreds of other adoring fans. I simply can not endanger my mental health, and I certainly can not intrude on others psychic web sites any longer. Not good for anyone.
I’m going to re-read ‘Manifest your Destiny’ by Dr. Wayne Dyer, and get back to what is important. It’s important to substitute a good addiction for a bad one; it’s good to pursue your path of destiny. I know I need to get back to music, I know that it makes me feel good, and I have always known that this is the one thing that I do that is good for me in every way. I need to do this for my self, my child who looks up to me to teach her, and my community that needs to know the depths to which we can feel and emote; to share the passion in art.
I’m going to do all the things I need to do, and clean out the cellar completely. The pipes are clogged again, and need to be opened. Anyone have a snake?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
8/25/09 The Plot Thickens!
Oh, my, I just didn’t realize how deep this all went. So, as I said before, I am still on the road to quit smoking (I’ve had a couple of drags this week) but it has really dredged up a lot of issues that I sure didn’t want to deal with! So, I realized that I wanted a relationship to fill the gaping hole in my life, and I started to think ‘thoughts’ about a married man that I know.
Thoughts are things, and nothing has brought this home to me like the experiences that I have had within the last year. This year I have finally been able to connect the dots between my thoughts, and the reactions that I have had from other people. The reactions that I have noted have been obvious and immediate, and there has been no mistake that there is a correlation. This brings us back to our own connectiveness within the collective, and how we may feel isolated from others, but we are in no way alone.
Now, let me tell you of my most recent observation. I’ve really fallen in love with three men in my life, and this week I looked at the similarities for the first time.
1) They all three were married. Not a shock to me, I already knew that I had an issue there, probably of the “I only want what I can not have” variety.
2) They all take care of their wives financially. This I hadn’t realized in the past, but there is an issue within me there, as well. In other lives past, I’m pretty sure that I was ‘taken care of’ by other people, and I also know that this life I was supposed to practice taking care of myself. Apparently there is a belief in me that the ‘gaping hole’ will be filled if I don’t have to go to work everyday, don’t have to work for a living. This is erroneous, I know on a conscious level, but how do I convince my subconscious…?
3) They all made me laugh. None of them look the same, or have the same sense of humor, but all of them make me laugh a lot. And I love them for it. That will remain as a requirement for anyone wanting to have a relationship with me.
In one of those relationships, I didn’t go there. I’d like to think that was because I was best friend’s with the wife, but truly, I had no self esteem, and couldn’t imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me. In the second relationship, I did go there, and I told myself at first that I wouldn’t “care” about him, I would just sleep with him, get what I want, and have a very cavalier, “adult” attitude about it. I couldn’t have been more wrong! It took me no time at all to start resenting the time he wasn’t with me, and harboring hopes that the relationship he was already committed to would fall apart. When that didn’t happen (hello!), I was depressed and inconsolable, and miserable to be around (just ask my friends). This was the progression of my disease.
So, back on track. I’m thinking thoughts that I should not be thinking, and I’m harboring hopes that I should not be hoping, and as I’m talking to him, I realize that he is making constant references about his wife. Fine with me, but it seemed a bit much, and not connected to the conversation. And that’s when I realize.
He is a very stable, steady kind of guy, and he has already made up his mind not to go there with me. He may have harbored a thought or two 6 months ago, maybe a year ago, but he definitely is not there now. I think that he thought about who he is and where he is, and saw that it would not be to his (or anyone else’s) benefit to go there, and so he will not. And I could feel the shift, I think, and almost tell you when this happened. Because thoughts are things, and on some level, I felt this shift in him as much as he could feel my thoughts.
And he has been very kind to me, and will continue to do so, because he really does care about me. And I’ll go on loving him for now, since he has saved me from an old abyss. But the hardest thing is for me to look at myself and my own behavior though this whole thing.
I thought that I would just ‘take what I could get’ with him, but just like the second guy, that wouldn’t have worked in the long run. And I really can’t lie to myself about that any longer, it’s a repeat issue. Sooner or later I would resent his attention being elsewhere, and I would become miserable and start to pine away for him, because in my heart I would want him to fill that gaping hole in me (impossible, you know) and show me he loved me by taking care of me (here we go again).
And I was willing to become an interloper in a relationship that I had no right whatsoever to interfere in. These men are committed to women that they have built an entire world with, woman who have stuck with them through thick and thin, and for all their flaws, love these men. Take the truth in that, and mix it with the idea that these women have never fended for themselves completely out there in the real world, and would be lost without their significant other. The men that I love are all very loyal and committed, not the fly-by-night kind of guys. Of course, they would not leave their original love. And, of course, a wiser “me” would never ask them to.
So, as usual, the worse thing is seeing the truth in my behavior and owning my own mistakes. Sucks, but that’s where I am. After grieving (and I still am, a little), I felt better, and I sort of renewed my own commitment to myself. These men can not fill the gaping hole in me, only God/Source can. The only way I can really connect to God/Source easily is to play my music, write my songs, and bleed my heart (i.e. create). So, I’m off to write, sing, dance, and create. No more stupid, destructive distractions, I hope. No more pining for married men, I hope. I want to be a better person, really, and not set myself up for disaster just because that’s what I know, and it’s familiar. I think I want to be more ‘real’ and myself than that.
Wish me luck – I have a very hard head, and have a tendency to hang on to what I know. -fin
Thoughts are things, and nothing has brought this home to me like the experiences that I have had within the last year. This year I have finally been able to connect the dots between my thoughts, and the reactions that I have had from other people. The reactions that I have noted have been obvious and immediate, and there has been no mistake that there is a correlation. This brings us back to our own connectiveness within the collective, and how we may feel isolated from others, but we are in no way alone.
Now, let me tell you of my most recent observation. I’ve really fallen in love with three men in my life, and this week I looked at the similarities for the first time.
1) They all three were married. Not a shock to me, I already knew that I had an issue there, probably of the “I only want what I can not have” variety.
2) They all take care of their wives financially. This I hadn’t realized in the past, but there is an issue within me there, as well. In other lives past, I’m pretty sure that I was ‘taken care of’ by other people, and I also know that this life I was supposed to practice taking care of myself. Apparently there is a belief in me that the ‘gaping hole’ will be filled if I don’t have to go to work everyday, don’t have to work for a living. This is erroneous, I know on a conscious level, but how do I convince my subconscious…?
3) They all made me laugh. None of them look the same, or have the same sense of humor, but all of them make me laugh a lot. And I love them for it. That will remain as a requirement for anyone wanting to have a relationship with me.
In one of those relationships, I didn’t go there. I’d like to think that was because I was best friend’s with the wife, but truly, I had no self esteem, and couldn’t imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me. In the second relationship, I did go there, and I told myself at first that I wouldn’t “care” about him, I would just sleep with him, get what I want, and have a very cavalier, “adult” attitude about it. I couldn’t have been more wrong! It took me no time at all to start resenting the time he wasn’t with me, and harboring hopes that the relationship he was already committed to would fall apart. When that didn’t happen (hello!), I was depressed and inconsolable, and miserable to be around (just ask my friends). This was the progression of my disease.
So, back on track. I’m thinking thoughts that I should not be thinking, and I’m harboring hopes that I should not be hoping, and as I’m talking to him, I realize that he is making constant references about his wife. Fine with me, but it seemed a bit much, and not connected to the conversation. And that’s when I realize.
He is a very stable, steady kind of guy, and he has already made up his mind not to go there with me. He may have harbored a thought or two 6 months ago, maybe a year ago, but he definitely is not there now. I think that he thought about who he is and where he is, and saw that it would not be to his (or anyone else’s) benefit to go there, and so he will not. And I could feel the shift, I think, and almost tell you when this happened. Because thoughts are things, and on some level, I felt this shift in him as much as he could feel my thoughts.
And he has been very kind to me, and will continue to do so, because he really does care about me. And I’ll go on loving him for now, since he has saved me from an old abyss. But the hardest thing is for me to look at myself and my own behavior though this whole thing.
I thought that I would just ‘take what I could get’ with him, but just like the second guy, that wouldn’t have worked in the long run. And I really can’t lie to myself about that any longer, it’s a repeat issue. Sooner or later I would resent his attention being elsewhere, and I would become miserable and start to pine away for him, because in my heart I would want him to fill that gaping hole in me (impossible, you know) and show me he loved me by taking care of me (here we go again).
And I was willing to become an interloper in a relationship that I had no right whatsoever to interfere in. These men are committed to women that they have built an entire world with, woman who have stuck with them through thick and thin, and for all their flaws, love these men. Take the truth in that, and mix it with the idea that these women have never fended for themselves completely out there in the real world, and would be lost without their significant other. The men that I love are all very loyal and committed, not the fly-by-night kind of guys. Of course, they would not leave their original love. And, of course, a wiser “me” would never ask them to.
So, as usual, the worse thing is seeing the truth in my behavior and owning my own mistakes. Sucks, but that’s where I am. After grieving (and I still am, a little), I felt better, and I sort of renewed my own commitment to myself. These men can not fill the gaping hole in me, only God/Source can. The only way I can really connect to God/Source easily is to play my music, write my songs, and bleed my heart (i.e. create). So, I’m off to write, sing, dance, and create. No more stupid, destructive distractions, I hope. No more pining for married men, I hope. I want to be a better person, really, and not set myself up for disaster just because that’s what I know, and it’s familiar. I think I want to be more ‘real’ and myself than that.
Wish me luck – I have a very hard head, and have a tendency to hang on to what I know. -fin
Saturday, August 8, 2009
8/8/09 Quitting Smoking
So I’ve been smoking cigarettes for 30+ years, and I’ve know for about 25 of those years that I needed to quit. The weird thing is, when I was younger, I told myself that I would only smoke until I was 40 years old, and then I would quit. Then it became 45 years old, and now that it’s a little more than that…Spirit has been calling for me to quit since October of last year, and very loudly, I might add.
I tried to ignore this message, because I really enjoy smoking. It’s a pain to have to have cigarettes on your person at all times, and it’s a pain to go outside to smoke (even at your own house), but with all of that, I still enjoyed sucking the smoke into my lungs. So I was very reluctant. But when you think of the expense and the obvious health risks, it seemed stupid to invest my money in something that would never do me any real good. So, I finally put them down…for now.
Here are my observations regarding my recovery:
1. Nicotine is not really the big issue for me. I don’t exhibit a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit smoking (cold turkey method). For me, 99.9% is the habit: the physical action of putting my hand to my mouth and keeping it there for the moment, sucking in the smoke, and blowing it out.
2. And when I quit, it dredges up (out of my deepest, darkest psyche) my loneliness and longing for a partnership/relationship. Can you believe that?
To give you a bit of background, I have quit two times before, once for 6 months and once for about 3 or 4 months. Each time, this loneliness and longing comes to haunt me like a familiar specter. Each time I’m not only dealing with giving up a very ingrained habit, but also dealing with old issues that I thought were taken care of long ago. In the past, it really freaked me out. What is the relationship between my lack of companionship and my need for smoking cigarettes? And I think when the loneliness finally became too much for me to deal with (because that was not an issue I had come prepared to deal with), I think that I took up smoking again.
This time, I am not surprised, but I had forgotten that these two issues were so linked in my soul. Now in order to be successful, I have to deal with my feelings of inferiority. Crap! I ain’t got enough on my plate, already?? I hate dealing with this on top o f the quit smoking routine. Who knew that cigarettes could be a surrogate boyfriend! And I really want a cigarette right now!
My oral retentive personality is shoving food into my mouth to compensate for the lack of comfort, which causes me to gain weight and make me even more unattractive to the opposite sex to ensure that my loneliness remain a viable issue for me. I ain’t small, ladies and gentlemen, I am MORBIDLY obese (a beast?) and you add a few more pounds on top of that, and that ain’t purdy! So you can see the “Wheel of Pain” moves around and around and around…..
There is a way to get a grip on all of this, and I am going to find it. I want to quit, mainly for my daughter’s sake, so that she knows that whatever she puts her mind to do, she can do. I want to quit for my health and well-being, and I want to save my money for fun things to do. I will HAVE TO deal with my longings for a partner-relationship, or else this time I will not make it, again. That sucks, but that’s where I’m at, so this also needs to be dealt with. Wish me luck, ‘cause I’ve had that particular cave shut off for quite some time, and getting the light and air in there, and cleaning out the muck, will probably take some real effort and time.
Send me good will and keep me in your prayers. I am most definitely going to need it! -fin
I tried to ignore this message, because I really enjoy smoking. It’s a pain to have to have cigarettes on your person at all times, and it’s a pain to go outside to smoke (even at your own house), but with all of that, I still enjoyed sucking the smoke into my lungs. So I was very reluctant. But when you think of the expense and the obvious health risks, it seemed stupid to invest my money in something that would never do me any real good. So, I finally put them down…for now.
Here are my observations regarding my recovery:
1. Nicotine is not really the big issue for me. I don’t exhibit a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms when I quit smoking (cold turkey method). For me, 99.9% is the habit: the physical action of putting my hand to my mouth and keeping it there for the moment, sucking in the smoke, and blowing it out.
2. And when I quit, it dredges up (out of my deepest, darkest psyche) my loneliness and longing for a partnership/relationship. Can you believe that?
To give you a bit of background, I have quit two times before, once for 6 months and once for about 3 or 4 months. Each time, this loneliness and longing comes to haunt me like a familiar specter. Each time I’m not only dealing with giving up a very ingrained habit, but also dealing with old issues that I thought were taken care of long ago. In the past, it really freaked me out. What is the relationship between my lack of companionship and my need for smoking cigarettes? And I think when the loneliness finally became too much for me to deal with (because that was not an issue I had come prepared to deal with), I think that I took up smoking again.
This time, I am not surprised, but I had forgotten that these two issues were so linked in my soul. Now in order to be successful, I have to deal with my feelings of inferiority. Crap! I ain’t got enough on my plate, already?? I hate dealing with this on top o f the quit smoking routine. Who knew that cigarettes could be a surrogate boyfriend! And I really want a cigarette right now!
My oral retentive personality is shoving food into my mouth to compensate for the lack of comfort, which causes me to gain weight and make me even more unattractive to the opposite sex to ensure that my loneliness remain a viable issue for me. I ain’t small, ladies and gentlemen, I am MORBIDLY obese (a beast?) and you add a few more pounds on top of that, and that ain’t purdy! So you can see the “Wheel of Pain” moves around and around and around…..
There is a way to get a grip on all of this, and I am going to find it. I want to quit, mainly for my daughter’s sake, so that she knows that whatever she puts her mind to do, she can do. I want to quit for my health and well-being, and I want to save my money for fun things to do. I will HAVE TO deal with my longings for a partner-relationship, or else this time I will not make it, again. That sucks, but that’s where I’m at, so this also needs to be dealt with. Wish me luck, ‘cause I’ve had that particular cave shut off for quite some time, and getting the light and air in there, and cleaning out the muck, will probably take some real effort and time.
Send me good will and keep me in your prayers. I am most definitely going to need it! -fin
Sunday, August 2, 2009
8/1/09 Parasitic relationships
While playing at my online game, I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before. A person asked to be my friend, I accepted, and later this person would show up unasked to step into my gaming 'battles'. I usually have no problem with this, as this game promotes helping your fellow gamer out. This person, however, did nothing to assist, but merely hung out, gaining experience points and levels, while I was doing all the work. He said, "I have the boss", so I watched and gave him some free reign to get the 'boss'. Did he? No. Finally I had to kill the boss and be done with the battle. Then I removed him from my friend's list. Quite simply, this person is a parasite.
Then I attend a party with a relatively new group to me, and had a little knowledge beforehand on two of the couples there and their relationship with one another. I saw a third couple there that also exhibited the same energy. Let me explain. Partner A in all these couples are the wounded ones, the ones that never seem to hold down a job, never have good energy to bring to the table, and are jealous, mean and disruptive with their spouse. Partner B in all of these couples provide resources, take on the awesome resposibility of 'A's mental health issues, and take an awful lot of abuse for their troubles. Partner A is the parasite, and Partner B is the host.
In my younger years I would have thought that the parasite was "misunderstood" and feel badly for them, because, obviously, they were "wounded", and needed my assistance to reach a higher level of existance, to become a productive member of society AND the person I wanted them to be.
Hi, my name is Jimena, and I am co-dependent!
Now, because of all the experiences that I have had, and all the things that I have seen, I do know a few things, and here they are:
1. A parasite will never change as long as someone is catering to their every whim (hint, YOU!). Because we reward their crappy behavior with our continued presence and resouces.
2. Whatever they accuse you of doing, that you would never think of doing until they actually accused you - they are doing that very thing. Watch your back!
3. They will say and do whatever it takes to keep you there with them, providing them with whatever you are providing. And they will do what they want to when you are not looking.
4. They will try to cause disruption in the host's life through friends, family, jobs, etc. They are very, very insecure, and need to know that the host will never have an epiphany that will take them away from this very, very dysfunctional situation. Communication with others can bring insight, and believe you - me, they don't want the host to know that there are better choices out there!
5. A parasite has lost their connection to the God/Source, so be prepared for:
a. They are miserable, and can only be happy if they are able to cause misery in others. It makes them feel like they are in control, and it keeps the playing field 'even'.
b. They are selfish to the selfish extreme. They do not know how to love, and you will not teach them how, either. They have lost their ability to be compassionate to others, so all relationships are always about CONTROL.
c. They have no way to 'refuel' themselves through God/Source, so they will feed on the energy of others, and the host, most especially. After dealing with them, and after confrontations with them, you will be drained of all energy, which is specifically designed to keep you from moving away from the situation.
And lastly, I must say, most of the 'hosts' that I have known over the years become less and less themselves the more time they spend in these relationships. It's like they become a shadow of themselves and their former glory. They become harder to speak to, and less able to hear. They withdraw into themselves more, and find other avenues of escape. They have somehow taken on the darkness of the parasite and carry this around with themselves, which is a sad waste of life.
Do not delude yourself into thinking that you can or will have a positive influence upon these parasites. Be aware that they most assuredly will have a negative influence upon your own life.
Understand that there is a darkness, a place that needs healing, within ourselves, that we need to search for and be compassionate with. Because otherwise, we would not be looking to drink from dark waters when we thirst. -ag
Then I attend a party with a relatively new group to me, and had a little knowledge beforehand on two of the couples there and their relationship with one another. I saw a third couple there that also exhibited the same energy. Let me explain. Partner A in all these couples are the wounded ones, the ones that never seem to hold down a job, never have good energy to bring to the table, and are jealous, mean and disruptive with their spouse. Partner B in all of these couples provide resources, take on the awesome resposibility of 'A's mental health issues, and take an awful lot of abuse for their troubles. Partner A is the parasite, and Partner B is the host.
In my younger years I would have thought that the parasite was "misunderstood" and feel badly for them, because, obviously, they were "wounded", and needed my assistance to reach a higher level of existance, to become a productive member of society AND the person I wanted them to be.
Hi, my name is Jimena, and I am co-dependent!
Now, because of all the experiences that I have had, and all the things that I have seen, I do know a few things, and here they are:
1. A parasite will never change as long as someone is catering to their every whim (hint, YOU!). Because we reward their crappy behavior with our continued presence and resouces.
2. Whatever they accuse you of doing, that you would never think of doing until they actually accused you - they are doing that very thing. Watch your back!
3. They will say and do whatever it takes to keep you there with them, providing them with whatever you are providing. And they will do what they want to when you are not looking.
4. They will try to cause disruption in the host's life through friends, family, jobs, etc. They are very, very insecure, and need to know that the host will never have an epiphany that will take them away from this very, very dysfunctional situation. Communication with others can bring insight, and believe you - me, they don't want the host to know that there are better choices out there!
5. A parasite has lost their connection to the God/Source, so be prepared for:
a. They are miserable, and can only be happy if they are able to cause misery in others. It makes them feel like they are in control, and it keeps the playing field 'even'.
b. They are selfish to the selfish extreme. They do not know how to love, and you will not teach them how, either. They have lost their ability to be compassionate to others, so all relationships are always about CONTROL.
c. They have no way to 'refuel' themselves through God/Source, so they will feed on the energy of others, and the host, most especially. After dealing with them, and after confrontations with them, you will be drained of all energy, which is specifically designed to keep you from moving away from the situation.
And lastly, I must say, most of the 'hosts' that I have known over the years become less and less themselves the more time they spend in these relationships. It's like they become a shadow of themselves and their former glory. They become harder to speak to, and less able to hear. They withdraw into themselves more, and find other avenues of escape. They have somehow taken on the darkness of the parasite and carry this around with themselves, which is a sad waste of life.
Do not delude yourself into thinking that you can or will have a positive influence upon these parasites. Be aware that they most assuredly will have a negative influence upon your own life.
Understand that there is a darkness, a place that needs healing, within ourselves, that we need to search for and be compassionate with. Because otherwise, we would not be looking to drink from dark waters when we thirst. -ag
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